[69]

My tan from all the orientation camps and various trips to Sentosa is fading.
I'm getting used to sleeping about 4 hours every night, on top of power naps wherever and whenever.
My handwriting is getting messier, mostly because I've been doing the writing in the wee hours.
And it's only week 4.

That said, I wouldn't trade my life for anything else, even if it can get rather insane.
I think I'm a sucker for punishment.

Even Fadz agrees that year 2 seems to be extra happening.
My hypothesis is that hair length is directly proportional to amount of fun a person has, but maybe that's just me. Hahah.

Before the semester started, I thought I'd be okay with doing stuff alone. It's not that this whole 'alone' thing bothers me a lot; I just find that increasingly, I hate being by myself. It gives me too much time to think. (Worst of all, I can't stand mugging alone in school. Now I need to find a new hangout.)

Having some time to think and reflect is good. Having too many pockets of time to let my thoughts run wild isn't.

The incessant pondering does make my mind a lot clearer. I like that it kind of helps me to sort out my life a bit, except that the clarity can get scary sometimes. Imagine if every action you make and every word you say is calculated, deliberate.

(Dang. Life is supposed to be spontaneous and fun.)

Okay, this brings me to my next point. 'Cause I have so much time for my thoughts/plans/whatevers, there'll inevitably be expectations. I know things don't always go the way we want them to, but that doesn't stop us from hoping that they do, right?

So when expectations fall short, disappointment comes to play. And play with everything, they do.

I hate setting myself up for disappointment time and again, but like I said earlier, I'm a sucker for punishment. Vicious cycle huh. Strange that I never really learn from my mistakes. That, or I have too much faith in people. (Whatever happened to my natural wariness?)

First on this week's to-do list: Realize (and remember) that there'll always be an incongruency between expectations and reality.

The following is kind of random. It's just... aiyah. I'm entertaining myself okay. So just bear with me. Hurhur.

Demure [di-myoor] adj 1. A word meaning quiet, serious, and always behaving well, used especially about women in former times. 2. Characterized by shyness and modesty; reserved. 3. Affectedly or coyly decorous, sober, or sedate.

*Affected [uh-fek-tid] adj 1. Not sincere or natural. 2. Assumed or simulated to impress others. 3. Speaking or behaving in an artificial way to make an impression.

*Coy [koi] adj 1. Pretending to be shy in order to attract interest, or to avoid dealing with something difficult. 2. Unwilling to give information about something. 3. Artfully or affectedly shy or reserved; slyly hesitant; coquettish. 4. Shy; modest. 5. Tending to avoid people and social situations; reserved.

*Decorous [dek-er-uhs] adj formal 1. Having the correct appearance or behaviour for a particular occasion. 2. Characterized by dignified propriety in conduct, manners, appearance, character, etc. 3. Characterized by or exhibiting decorum; proper.

*Sedate [si-deyt] adj 1. Peaceful, ordinary, and not very exciting. 2. Calm, quiet, or composed; undisturbed by passion or excitement. 3. Serenely deliberate, composed, and dignified in character or manner.

*Coquette [koh-ket] n literary 1. A woman who frequently tries to attract the attention of men without having sincere feelings for them; flirt. 2. A woman who flirts lightheartedly with men to win their admiration and affection.

All *-ed words are just to clarify certain words in the definition(s) of the first word.

The next two are dedicated to Germ Foong.

Motherly [muhth-er-lee] adj 1. Similar to or typical of a good mother.

Maternal [muh-tur-nl] adj 1. Typical of the way a good mother behaves or feels. 2. Of, pertaining to, having the qualities of, or befitting a mother.

Whatever it is, if you've used one or more of the above words on me, look at the following word. Then you'll find that you've been wrong all along. Hahahah.

Subtle [suht-l] adj 1. Not easy to notice or understand unless you pay careful attention. 2. Someone who is subtle uses indirect methods to hide what they really want or intend to do. 3. Cunning, wily, or crafty; devious.

[68]

I love this song!

What Sweeter Music
Music by John Rutter, words by Robert Herrick

What sweeter music can we bring
Than a carol, for to sing
The birth of this our heav'nly King?
Awake the voice! Awake the string!

Dark and dull night, fly hence away,
And give the honour to this day
That sees December turn'd to May,
That sees December turn'd to May.

Why does the chilling winter's morn
Smile, like a field beset with corn?
Or smell like a meadow newly shorn

Thus on the sudden? Come and see
The cause, why things thus fragrant be:

'Tis he is born, whose quick'ning birth
Gives life and lustre, public mirth,
To heaven and the underearth.

We see him come, and know him ours,
Who, with his sunshine and his show'rs,
Turns the patient ground to flow'rs,
Turns all the patient ground to flow'rs.

The darling of the world is come,
And fit it is, we find a room
To welcome him, to welcome him.

The nobler part of all the house here, is the heart,
Which we will give him; and bequeath
This holly, and this ivy wreath,
To do him honour; who's our King,
And Lord of all this revelling.

What sweeter music can we bring
Than a carol, for to sing
The birth of this our heav'nly King,
the birth of this our heavenly King.

[67]

How much is enough, really?

This semester is like a semester of new experiences. Today I was dizzy the entire day. Amazing.
(Only Weesiong asked if I was okay, so hahah, thank you my FAVOURITEST senior!)

I suspect I'm getting better at lying/pretending, but that remains to be seen.

I'm really trying very hard to make some things work out.
The thing is, sometimes effort doesn't count, only results do.
I get that everyone's overwhelmed by stuff, and has tons and tons to complete.
So how much effort on my part will be considered enough?

Hurhur I think I'm asking for it. So who else to blame but myself?

ENOUGH EMOING. I shall go and sleep, and tomorrow will be better.

[66]

Cathartic blog entries. I feel like posting five times a day hurhur.

I still have no solutions for rearranging my priorities in a way that doesn't kill me 'cause everything is too darn important.

So I have three options now. Three ways of coping, in fact. Or three things that I feel like doing.

1. Run away, hide at home, or run away and hide.
2. Vomit.
3. Not eat. (It took me a few years to figure out the reason for this, plus keeping track of my weight actually gives me this sick rush of adrenaline.)

Remember what I said about killing people who screw me over? I was thinking this afternoon, what if I'm the one screwing my own life? Then what, suicide? Hmm.

No idea why I'm doing the things I do, even though I don't feel like doing them. And I'm not talking about homework.

[65]

I think I need to reprioritize.

But as it is, there isn't much that I can cut out of my life anymore. Next thing to go will be the people, and that ain't such a good idea, is it?

Or maybe I should just cut down on Facebook time hurhurhur.

[64]

It's lunchtime, I'm waiting for my Outreach duty slot and waaaaaaay bored out of my mind so I figure I might as well blog about week 2 of school. Heh.

Actually, ever since school started, life has just been one long string of sleeping at 0200h and waking up at 0530h. Even on so-called "free days". (I really should stop arranging driving lessons to be at 0800h on Wednesday. Can literally die, if I zone out while driving.) I don't mind sleeping late and waking up early, as long as I don't feel tired in between. Unfortunately that's quite impossible.

My classes have been great so far, especially the English ones. It's not that I regret doing a Life Sciences major; it's just that I don't understand why I'm doing this if something else inspires me more. (No wait. I do understand why. It's the same reason for willingly flying from end to end of the campus and trying to survive 8 consecutive hours of lectures on Tuesdays. Grr.)

The more committee stuff I take part in, the more I realize how difficult it is to deal with people. (And believe me, some people have an EQ so low that I feel like strangling them when I talk to them 'cause all they do is sound like they're accusing me of one thing or another. And there I am trying my best to be politically correct... Geez. Fine, some of them do try to clarify afterwards. But still.)

CCA-wise there's just a lot a lot A LOT of things to do on top of a lot a lot A LOT of confusion. So I'm not quite sure what's going on. (I hate messy handovers.) Thank goodness for an awesome vice-chairperson who helps to remember all the details of tasks hahahah. Think this is the most disorganized state I've ever been in.

The worst part of having messy handovers is that the duties are not very clear-cut, and we just have far too many people in power at the same time. And then stuff that's not my fault becomes mine. (This I really can't stand 'cause bloody hell, I'll gladly admit it if it's my fault, but if that's not the case, I'm not going to be anyone scapegoat.) Granted, I might have dealt with it in a better way. I suppose.

So shit happened on Monday and Tuesday 'cause of one bombshell or another. People really need to give me all the parts of the puzzle AT THE SAME TIME instead of doling 'em out in small doses. Otherwise it becomes my freaking fault when things get messed up. SHEESH. Okay that's beside the point. On Wednesday I decided that okay, I dug myself into a hole, so now I'll get myself out. No one is going to screw around with my life any more, and I will really kill whoever does so. With words or otherwise.

I know Stanley thinks that this isn't just a hole, it's a flaming fire pit, but never mind. The main point is that I will turn murderous if they attempt to kill me.

The whole suddenly-came-to-a-decision thing was a new experience though. It was like something in my brain just clicked and everything fell into place. Quite cool, hahah, but the clarity is a bit scary. (Ooh this reminds me of Scott Westerfeld's Specials.)

So now it's Thursday. I'm behind on my readings, already. CCAs do take up darn a lot of time when it comes to solving the people problems.

I'm looking forward to choir rehearsals though. Think I've missed far too many of those 'cause of SOW.

Okay. Um. I might as well admit it. I'm looking forward to singing but not to hanging out with the people. (I doubt any of them read this anyway. Should be quite safe.) The more time I spend apart from them, the less I want to spend time with them. And I suspect the kinda shocking piece of news Steph semi-threw at me has something to do with it. But aiyah. Whatever.

That said, Mark and I were very amused when Dr. Hiramoto showed a video of vocal cords during EL1101E. Everyone else was super grossed out (yeah girls were screaming away), but we just went like "Eh this looks familiar! Mrs. Tay showed this to us during rehearsal!" hahahahahah.

Oh look, I just killed 45 minutes of my lunchtime. Yay.
Can kind of tell that I'm just trying to hide behind my laptop the way other people hide behind shades right. Hurhur. I miss having the same classes with Fadz/Larry/JC. One common module is really not enough.

And PEARL! If Little Miss MIA shows up, make her post her schedule on the thread!

Hmm I should try to read a bit more of the textbook. Sigh.

[63]

What an eventful first week of school.

Day 1 was crazy, with four lectures back-to-back. AND befriending after the school day ended.
I had no classes on days 2 and 3, but was in school for CCA and other stuff, and I managed to regress to my bad habit of skipping lunch.
Day 4 (i.e. today) was unproductive 'cause I slept through at least half of my lectures. Many thanks to the headache + sore throat + fever. On top of that I collected a textbook that's heavier than my 2.93 kg laptop, and lugged both of those items around.

Other events include tripping on the stairs TWICE on the first day of school (NUS is far too hilly for my liking), killing the showerhead, getting screwed over by various people (yet again, I don't know why I keep ending up in this kind of planning shit), and just doing a lot of stupid things unrelated to studying.

Okay I know I'm being unreasonable. Hopefully next week will be better.

That said, credit goes to Pearl for listening to all my nonsense and cheering me up, and also to Fadz for being to discuss certain (ahem) stuff with. Love you girls!

[62]

Since the last post, I've been busy doing a lot of rubbish.

We planned and filmed the OG video, in which I skipped around a la Gabriella Montez/Vanessa Hudgens a lot. (Thankfully we were all skipping together, so it's not that bad. Hahah.) The unfortunate thing was that "We're All in This Together" was stuck in my head for at least four days after that.

Rehearsals have started again, yay. We're back to our usual singing-ending-taking an hour to decide where to eat routine.

Pearl, Germ, and I had a Transformers party. The board game was... interesting 'cause it was more funny than fun. Megatron kept falling down. The movie was fun to watch, though it was kinda draggy in the beginning, and the emo-music, slow-mo, drama-drama climax of the movie was a bit over-the-top. At least Optimus Prime and Josh Duhamel were hot.

After watching it, I realized that hot is hot no matter which role the guy is cast in. Not the lead? Never mind. You can still catch people's eyes by your face alone. (Yeah, don't even need the body.) Hahah.

We baked muffins and cookies during befriending. The muffins were okay, but some of the cookies tasted like a mixture of sweet, salty, and bitter. Very strange. (I think it had something to do with us forgetting to add in the brown sugar, and adding it only after the dough was more or less done.)

I... will not talk about the matriculation fair. It was CCA day all over again, and it reminded me of how we used to badger people to "just put your name down, no obligations!". Hahah.

This year's NDP is going to be totally awesome! Hahah yeah, I got to watch the preview. It's really different from other years' NDP. You'll just have to watch it for yourself to see how it is. All I can say is that it's so multimedia. So many things are going on at the same time that one doesn't know where to look.

It's a rehearsal, so there was quite a bit of "looking at other people to see what the next action is" among the performers, but I'm sure it'll be great by the time August 9 comes around.

Whee two days to SOW. Let's see how much tanner I can get. Hahahah.

[61]

I haven't laid an eye on this blog for ages. Gosh. (Gone are the days when I wanted to blog five times in twenty-four hours.)

Anyway. I am officially sick of my holidays. I want to go back to school.
It got so bad that I actually semi-wished I was back in the science library studying for exams. (Though I think the glaring sun contributed some. I miss the library aircon.)
The CORS website didn't help; it's still majorly depressing, even if it did give me hope of doing EL1101E next sem.

Coordinating modules is a headache, and so is coordinating people. If getting eight persons to come together equals a headache, I can't imagine what getting twenty-eight persons to come together will be like.
We shall see in a week's time. (Whee, SOW!)

On a brighter note, I was watching Supernatural. It does amazing things to my mood hahahah.

Watching old episodes brings back memories of hiding behind cushions/notes/whatever was on my hands, and I can only say that it's not very smart to watch it at night. Especially for gutless people like me.

No props for me this time round; I got through it without hiding, thanks to my amusement at Jared Padalecki's old floppy hairdo (which I didn't like, and still don't).

Next on the go-figure list: why scary scenes without Dean/Sam are boring, and scary scenes with Dean/Sam aren't scary.

[60]

The girls and I went out to watch I Love You Man. It's kinda strange to watch a bromance comedy with girls, but whatever, it's good for an afternoon of mindlessness. Definitely beats our usual sitting-eating-rotting routine.

It wasn't a particularly memorable movie, nor a particularly stunning one. The whole thing felt very draggy and some bits of the plot were just too good to be true. (E.g. the forgiveness routine. Soooo expected.)

I think I only know how to appreciate comedy flicks starring cute guys. Shallow huh.

Not to say it was an entirely useless movie. It did get me thinking about "why". (Dang, this reminds me, I had a discussion about this a few days ago.)

Life still feels a bit off lately, so "why" comes in handy as a tool for... reflection.

Sometimes it's just very hard to talk to people about certain things.

[59]

I have no freaking idea what I'm doing with my life.

People who've graduated from the school system should know how to:
1. Settle their own issues and not have people chasing after them for stuff, and
2. Not create trouble for other people.
3. Not ask stupid questions that people have already answered.

Schools are so not teaching people the right skills.

If the above paragraphs seem unconnected in ideas, you'll just have to take my word for it that they sure are linked.

Excuse me while I try to figure out what exactly it is that I'm doing.

[58]

And look, another year has passed,
another set of repertoire put behind us.

Last year I started the entry with an Alto batch photo.
This year we didn't take any.
But well, Mel, Yan, Drea, Germ, and I sang.
HH and Leh came to support.
KERR! You're the missing link!

Before Limmy came back from overseas, our batch made up the bulk of the altos, plus we were the oldest Altos. Hahah I think we were a lil' stressed ever since Mindy and Krystal said they won't be around/singing this year, 'cause then the older altos would be gone. The stress came from us being pretty junior compared to those who've been around a lot, sung a lot, and knew a lot.

About half a year on, I see that there's really nothing much to stress about. Everyone has stuff to work on, no matter how long they've been singing. Funny how the hierachy lines get blurred in the alumni choir.

This year we haven't spent much time with the college choir, so I have to admit that I barely know them. Granted, I know the J2s. As for the J1s... I can only recognize those standing beside me.

Keeping the whole "friendship/singing WITH friends" thing in mind, I just wished I could have gotten to know them better before AEWF. It's easier/more fun to sing with people you know. (But of course, there'll be more chances to get to know them.)

Nicholas remarked that AEWF is like Chinese New Year for our choir, and I thought that was a nice analogy. It's a huge reunion for family and friends, batchmates, direct seniors/juniors, etc. It's amazing when you see for yourself the crowds milling around outside Esplanade concert hall catching up with people they've not talked to in ages.

Choir is special because the music made by a choir can never be produced by oneself.
And the reassurance of having teammates by your side, onstage... I don't think anything can ever replace that.

As have been repeated many times over, it's all about friendship and trust.

Here we close another chapter.

[57]

I want to be a stunning student.

[56]

Highlight of the day.

The Western food stall auntie at ACJC remembers me, even though I haven't seen her in a year and a half.

I miss her mushroom and cheese omelette with mashed potatoes.

Granted, it might not be the best omelette, or the best potatoes, but it reminded me of JC days, of comfort food during long breaks, of having familiar people around me all the time (i.e. classmates).

It reminded me of a time when I had no doubts about what I want to/have to do.

Anyway, I'm still really happy that she remembers me. And that is the point of this post.

[55]

Top 5 gripes of the week.

1. I am sick of having to check multiple email accounts.
2. Working with inefficient or MIA people gives me a headache.
3. Not to mention, it makes me irritable towards other innocent souls.
4. I am trying very hard not to bitch about the people mentioned in #2.
5. I am trying very hard not to bitch to the innocent souls mentioned in #3.

Top 5 smile-inducers of the week.

1. I'm starting on the final 2008 issue of Time. Finally.
2. I'm reading The Chronicles of Narnia. (But the downside is that I'm beginning to wish I'd watched Prince Caspian.)
3. Chocomilk is dressed like an Indian princess.
4. I have no meetings with the people mentioned in #2 of the previous list. (Even though that doesn't mean that I don't have to deal with them.)
5. Jonathan Togo (Ryan Wolfe in CSI: Miami) is cute. So is Kris Allen. So is Bradley James.

[54]

I cannot wait to say goodbye to Gene, Cheri, Bob, and Choc.

24 hours till freedom!

(And yeah, I just had to commemorate this occasion. Hurhur.)

[53]

Would you still wish for something, if you know that you can't have it?
Would you still wish for something, if you know that you shouldn't think about having it?

Would it make a difference, if you made a wish anytime you could, believing in any lore that existed?
Would it make a difference, if you had faith in the remotest possibility that it could happen?

If I'd been more persistent, stood firm for my beliefs...
If I was less naive, less stupid...
If I was better at compartmentalising my thoughts, like how I compartmentalise my life...

Then I wouldn't have needed to come here to get rid of all these (still) unspoken thoughts.

Why else did you think this post sounded so vague?

[52]

It was a surprising dinner, to say the least.
I think I learnt some things.

1. Steer clear of potentially sensitive topics.
2. Let guys do their thing. E.g. if they want to act/be chivalrous, let them.

What's most unexpected about it was that it was an enjoyable dinner, exactly like meeting with a very very old friend.
Unfortunately I forgot to factor in the potential wistfulness.
And for the first time ever, I got nagged at about studying. Hahah.

This is just a mish-mash of random stuff, but... oh well. Oh well.

[51]

I know people care.
So thanks, Pearl, Taha, Wee Kiat, Eileen, Jackie, Larry, and Songhan. (I was very surprised that my brother commented on my wall. Hurhur.)

The line between demanding and driven can be very thin, and some people (perhaps unknowingly) cross the line without regard to others' situations.
Which is why I say that it is important that we treat each other with courtesy and understanding when working in a group. That's when projects become enjoyable and not end up being a chore.

It's also a good idea to check things out before asking for stuff or yelling at people.
I was ill, woozy, dizzy, running a fever, had a sore throat which hurt so darn much that even my head pounded, and I get people yelling at me to wake up to eat dinner and accusing me of various things or other.
Sometimes I wonder why on earth I bother to do stuff for certain people.
When you don't feel well and try to appear okay so that others don't worry, they think you're really fine and ask even more of you.
Some people are really not worth the trouble.

ToGetHer inspired me to check out Tagore's Stray Birds, and I only just found out that it's an English text translated from Bengali.

This line was especially poignant:
84
In death the many becomes one; in life the one becomes many.
Religion will be one when God is dead.

This shouldn't be viewed as blasphemy.

It just so happens that the topic of God/religions came up over lunch with Kaiming and Terence a few days ago, and there was all this talk about how religion is used as a divisive tool.

I still think it's wrong to condemn other religions because it's different.
To a certain extent, it's true that religion has been used as a means to obtain power or leverage over others. This doesn't seem to be the original intention of proper/real religions, which should inspire people to do good.
There're far too many conflicts, and perhaps unifying all religions might bring some peace.

"Religion will be one when God is dead."

I think the headache got to my brain a bit too much.

[50]

Yeah, I mugged for my biochem test.
And all I got out of it was...

Possible names for my kids.
Set 1: Alanine/Serine (daughters), Tyrosine (son)
Set 2: Amylase (daughter), Xylanase (son)

And for set 2, if you take away the "-ase", they're actually pretty normal names.

MUGGING IS MAKING ME STUPID argh.