[79]

"Those who don't learn from history are condemned to repeat it."

Thanks ah, Stanley.

Why get others to screw up your life when you can do it perfectly fine by yourself?

Hurhurhur.

[78]

You Give Me Something by James Morrison

You only stay with me in the morning,
You only hold me when I sleep.
I was meant to tread the water
But now I've gotten in too deep.
For every piece of me that wants you,
Another piece backs away.

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared alright.
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try.
Please give me something,
'Cause someday I might know my heart.

You only waited up for hours
Just to spend a little time alone with me.
And I can say I've never bought you flowers;
I can't work out what they mean.
I never thought that I'd love someone;
That was someone else's dream.

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared alright.
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try.
Please give me something,
'Cause someday I might call you from my heart.

But it might be a second too late,
And the words that I could never say
Are gonna come out anyway.

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared alright.
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try.
Please give me something,
'Cause someday I might know my heart.

I heard this on Class 95 fm one night when I was trying to do work. Rather nice lyrics, don't you think.

[77]

For the first time in my life, I think guys are complicated creatures. Or at least, they're not as simple as they seem.

Okay, "my life" lasts only twenty years so far, but still.

[76]

Hook, line, and sinker.

Die.

[75]

Well. It's been a long time since I did this kind of thing. So I figured I might as well.

You Are Apple Red

You're never one to take life too seriously, and because of it, you're a ton of fun. And although you have a great sense of humor, you are never superficial. Deep and caring, you do like to get to the core of people - to understand them well. However, any probing you do is light hearted and fun, sometimes causing people to misjudge you.

What Color Red Are You?

Blogthings: We Have a Quiz for Almost Everything

You Are Iris

You are the perfect blend of entertainment and wisdom. You make people think about themselves and their place in the world. Although you make people think, at least they'll have fun doing it. You're like a laughter therapist. You are a very enriching and entertaining friend.

What Color Purple Are You?

Blogthings: Learn Something Surprising About Yourself

You Are Emerald Green

Deep and mysterious, it often seems like no one truly gets you. Inside, you are very emotional and moody - though you don't let it show. People usually have a strong reaction to you... profound love or deep hate. But you can even get those who hate you to come around. There's something naturally harmonious about you.

What Color Green Are You?

Blogthings: Quizzes and Tests and Memes, Oh My!

You Are Ocean Blue

You're both warm and practical. You're very driven, but you're also very well rounded. You tend to see both sides to every issue, and people consider you a natural diplomat.

What Color Blue Are You?

Work is Hard. Time for Blogthings!

You Are Cameo

You are understanding and very empathetic. It's easy for you to see where people are coming from. You find so much joy from other people. You're a social butterfly, and you wouldn't live any other way. You don't tend to have acquaintances. Everyone is your friend. And all of your friends tend to be friends. You have a knack for bringing very different people together.

What Color Orange Are You?

Blogthings: 100's of Fun, Free Quizzes and 3 Stupid Ones

You Are Blue

You are a philosophical and often inspired person. You are the master of ideas. You are open to many points of view. You believe that it's important to communicate and not judge. You have a worldly perspective, and you're always looking to broaden it. You are a true people person, but you also value your solitude and personal space.

What Primary Color Are You?

Blogthings: Take a Quiz. Annoy Your Friends.

You Like Names That Are Cutting Edge and Exotic

You love creative names and names from foreign cultures. You believe names should be expressive and interesting. You like names that are unusual, striking, and powerful. You couldn't imagine naming your child or pet anything "normal." Some female names you might like: Amaya, Celestine, Danessa, Fawn, Kenya, Monet, Serenity, and Tia Some male names you might like: Drake, Flint, Harley, Kendrick, Pascal, Romeo, and Timber

What Kind of Names Do You Like?

Work is Hard. Time for Blogthings!

You Are Chirping Birds

You are a very caring person. You especially feel for innocent beings, like animals and children. You are keyed in to the world and very peaceful. You believe that everyone is connected. You remain focused and in the moment. You are not easily distracted. You have a good memory, especially for things that you hear. You listen carefully.

What Part of Spring Are You?

Work is Hard. Time for Blogthings!

[74]

I realize that what the doctor said about using people and valuing things instead of valuing people and using things is true.

It's a pity that people do that, but I don't have to stoop to their level.

I just need to:
1. Stop letting it get to me.
2. Stop being so trusting.
3. Stop being stupid and learn my lesson(s).

[73]

I'm sick of being nice.

Being nice = people use you and chuck you aside and then pretend that nothing ever happened.

Being nice = they still pretend to be your friend, where friend is defined as someone you look for when you need him/her to do something for you.

Being nice = you still have to pretend to be their friend, where friend is defined as someone who takes all their shit when they need people to do so.

Being nice = smiling and saying hi even though all you want to do is to run far far away, 'cause seeing the "friend" makes you feel nauseous.

Being nice = taking the blame even when it's not your fault. Or allowing others to verbally abuse you through mere insinuation, and not doing anything about it (e.g. hurling vulgarities at them).

I WILL STOP INVESTING SO MUCH IN MY FRIENDSHIPS/WORK/WHATEVER. Bloody hell.

Being nice once leads to appreciation. Twice, people take it for granted. Thrice, and people start to expect it.

Alright I'm just in one of those moods. I shall go and sleep it off and hide at home for a day.

[72]

There're more and more and more projects/activities/exams/tests, but I realize that I haven't felt this happy in ages. Somehow there's this sense of purpose, like I know I'm going to sort out all the mess and come out fine. Which is a good thing, I suppose. Sometimes we have to lose in order to gain.

I think the loss was worthwhile.

Now that recess week is coming, I wanna make plans! Yay!

[71]

This entry is going to be made up of unrelated sentences.

I cannot believe I feel guilty about doing nothing when I don't have an obligation to do anything in the first place.

Jiacheng said that we all already know the answer; in asking for a second opinion, we're just seeking reaffirmation. Which I thought was hmm, quite true.

It'd be nice if people remembered, not just in times of need.

In taking up activity after activity, I don't know if I'm doing it out of passion, or simply looking for a place where I feel like I belong.

[70]

All these people who only come to me when they need me for one thing or another...

I'm very tempted to do a major spring cleaning.

Except that I don't have the heart to turn people away. Hmmm.

(I hate it that every fortnight my life unravels into a mess and I have to try to straighten stuff out again.)

[69]

My tan from all the orientation camps and various trips to Sentosa is fading.
I'm getting used to sleeping about 4 hours every night, on top of power naps wherever and whenever.
My handwriting is getting messier, mostly because I've been doing the writing in the wee hours.
And it's only week 4.

That said, I wouldn't trade my life for anything else, even if it can get rather insane.
I think I'm a sucker for punishment.

Even Fadz agrees that year 2 seems to be extra happening.
My hypothesis is that hair length is directly proportional to amount of fun a person has, but maybe that's just me. Hahah.

Before the semester started, I thought I'd be okay with doing stuff alone. It's not that this whole 'alone' thing bothers me a lot; I just find that increasingly, I hate being by myself. It gives me too much time to think. (Worst of all, I can't stand mugging alone in school. Now I need to find a new hangout.)

Having some time to think and reflect is good. Having too many pockets of time to let my thoughts run wild isn't.

The incessant pondering does make my mind a lot clearer. I like that it kind of helps me to sort out my life a bit, except that the clarity can get scary sometimes. Imagine if every action you make and every word you say is calculated, deliberate.

(Dang. Life is supposed to be spontaneous and fun.)

Okay, this brings me to my next point. 'Cause I have so much time for my thoughts/plans/whatevers, there'll inevitably be expectations. I know things don't always go the way we want them to, but that doesn't stop us from hoping that they do, right?

So when expectations fall short, disappointment comes to play. And play with everything, they do.

I hate setting myself up for disappointment time and again, but like I said earlier, I'm a sucker for punishment. Vicious cycle huh. Strange that I never really learn from my mistakes. That, or I have too much faith in people. (Whatever happened to my natural wariness?)

First on this week's to-do list: Realize (and remember) that there'll always be an incongruency between expectations and reality.

The following is kind of random. It's just... aiyah. I'm entertaining myself okay. So just bear with me. Hurhur.

Demure [di-myoor] adj 1. A word meaning quiet, serious, and always behaving well, used especially about women in former times. 2. Characterized by shyness and modesty; reserved. 3. Affectedly or coyly decorous, sober, or sedate.

*Affected [uh-fek-tid] adj 1. Not sincere or natural. 2. Assumed or simulated to impress others. 3. Speaking or behaving in an artificial way to make an impression.

*Coy [koi] adj 1. Pretending to be shy in order to attract interest, or to avoid dealing with something difficult. 2. Unwilling to give information about something. 3. Artfully or affectedly shy or reserved; slyly hesitant; coquettish. 4. Shy; modest. 5. Tending to avoid people and social situations; reserved.

*Decorous [dek-er-uhs] adj formal 1. Having the correct appearance or behaviour for a particular occasion. 2. Characterized by dignified propriety in conduct, manners, appearance, character, etc. 3. Characterized by or exhibiting decorum; proper.

*Sedate [si-deyt] adj 1. Peaceful, ordinary, and not very exciting. 2. Calm, quiet, or composed; undisturbed by passion or excitement. 3. Serenely deliberate, composed, and dignified in character or manner.

*Coquette [koh-ket] n literary 1. A woman who frequently tries to attract the attention of men without having sincere feelings for them; flirt. 2. A woman who flirts lightheartedly with men to win their admiration and affection.

All *-ed words are just to clarify certain words in the definition(s) of the first word.

The next two are dedicated to Germ Foong.

Motherly [muhth-er-lee] adj 1. Similar to or typical of a good mother.

Maternal [muh-tur-nl] adj 1. Typical of the way a good mother behaves or feels. 2. Of, pertaining to, having the qualities of, or befitting a mother.

Whatever it is, if you've used one or more of the above words on me, look at the following word. Then you'll find that you've been wrong all along. Hahahah.

Subtle [suht-l] adj 1. Not easy to notice or understand unless you pay careful attention. 2. Someone who is subtle uses indirect methods to hide what they really want or intend to do. 3. Cunning, wily, or crafty; devious.

[68]

I love this song!

What Sweeter Music
Music by John Rutter, words by Robert Herrick

What sweeter music can we bring
Than a carol, for to sing
The birth of this our heav'nly King?
Awake the voice! Awake the string!

Dark and dull night, fly hence away,
And give the honour to this day
That sees December turn'd to May,
That sees December turn'd to May.

Why does the chilling winter's morn
Smile, like a field beset with corn?
Or smell like a meadow newly shorn

Thus on the sudden? Come and see
The cause, why things thus fragrant be:

'Tis he is born, whose quick'ning birth
Gives life and lustre, public mirth,
To heaven and the underearth.

We see him come, and know him ours,
Who, with his sunshine and his show'rs,
Turns the patient ground to flow'rs,
Turns all the patient ground to flow'rs.

The darling of the world is come,
And fit it is, we find a room
To welcome him, to welcome him.

The nobler part of all the house here, is the heart,
Which we will give him; and bequeath
This holly, and this ivy wreath,
To do him honour; who's our King,
And Lord of all this revelling.

What sweeter music can we bring
Than a carol, for to sing
The birth of this our heav'nly King,
the birth of this our heavenly King.

[67]

How much is enough, really?

This semester is like a semester of new experiences. Today I was dizzy the entire day. Amazing.
(Only Weesiong asked if I was okay, so hahah, thank you my FAVOURITEST senior!)

I suspect I'm getting better at lying/pretending, but that remains to be seen.

I'm really trying very hard to make some things work out.
The thing is, sometimes effort doesn't count, only results do.
I get that everyone's overwhelmed by stuff, and has tons and tons to complete.
So how much effort on my part will be considered enough?

Hurhur I think I'm asking for it. So who else to blame but myself?

ENOUGH EMOING. I shall go and sleep, and tomorrow will be better.

[66]

Cathartic blog entries. I feel like posting five times a day hurhur.

I still have no solutions for rearranging my priorities in a way that doesn't kill me 'cause everything is too darn important.

So I have three options now. Three ways of coping, in fact. Or three things that I feel like doing.

1. Run away, hide at home, or run away and hide.
2. Vomit.
3. Not eat. (It took me a few years to figure out the reason for this, plus keeping track of my weight actually gives me this sick rush of adrenaline.)

Remember what I said about killing people who screw me over? I was thinking this afternoon, what if I'm the one screwing my own life? Then what, suicide? Hmm.

No idea why I'm doing the things I do, even though I don't feel like doing them. And I'm not talking about homework.

[65]

I think I need to reprioritize.

But as it is, there isn't much that I can cut out of my life anymore. Next thing to go will be the people, and that ain't such a good idea, is it?

Or maybe I should just cut down on Facebook time hurhurhur.

[64]

It's lunchtime, I'm waiting for my Outreach duty slot and waaaaaaay bored out of my mind so I figure I might as well blog about week 2 of school. Heh.

Actually, ever since school started, life has just been one long string of sleeping at 0200h and waking up at 0530h. Even on so-called "free days". (I really should stop arranging driving lessons to be at 0800h on Wednesday. Can literally die, if I zone out while driving.) I don't mind sleeping late and waking up early, as long as I don't feel tired in between. Unfortunately that's quite impossible.

My classes have been great so far, especially the English ones. It's not that I regret doing a Life Sciences major; it's just that I don't understand why I'm doing this if something else inspires me more. (No wait. I do understand why. It's the same reason for willingly flying from end to end of the campus and trying to survive 8 consecutive hours of lectures on Tuesdays. Grr.)

The more committee stuff I take part in, the more I realize how difficult it is to deal with people. (And believe me, some people have an EQ so low that I feel like strangling them when I talk to them 'cause all they do is sound like they're accusing me of one thing or another. And there I am trying my best to be politically correct... Geez. Fine, some of them do try to clarify afterwards. But still.)

CCA-wise there's just a lot a lot A LOT of things to do on top of a lot a lot A LOT of confusion. So I'm not quite sure what's going on. (I hate messy handovers.) Thank goodness for an awesome vice-chairperson who helps to remember all the details of tasks hahahah. Think this is the most disorganized state I've ever been in.

The worst part of having messy handovers is that the duties are not very clear-cut, and we just have far too many people in power at the same time. And then stuff that's not my fault becomes mine. (This I really can't stand 'cause bloody hell, I'll gladly admit it if it's my fault, but if that's not the case, I'm not going to be anyone scapegoat.) Granted, I might have dealt with it in a better way. I suppose.

So shit happened on Monday and Tuesday 'cause of one bombshell or another. People really need to give me all the parts of the puzzle AT THE SAME TIME instead of doling 'em out in small doses. Otherwise it becomes my freaking fault when things get messed up. SHEESH. Okay that's beside the point. On Wednesday I decided that okay, I dug myself into a hole, so now I'll get myself out. No one is going to screw around with my life any more, and I will really kill whoever does so. With words or otherwise.

I know Stanley thinks that this isn't just a hole, it's a flaming fire pit, but never mind. The main point is that I will turn murderous if they attempt to kill me.

The whole suddenly-came-to-a-decision thing was a new experience though. It was like something in my brain just clicked and everything fell into place. Quite cool, hahah, but the clarity is a bit scary. (Ooh this reminds me of Scott Westerfeld's Specials.)

So now it's Thursday. I'm behind on my readings, already. CCAs do take up darn a lot of time when it comes to solving the people problems.

I'm looking forward to choir rehearsals though. Think I've missed far too many of those 'cause of SOW.

Okay. Um. I might as well admit it. I'm looking forward to singing but not to hanging out with the people. (I doubt any of them read this anyway. Should be quite safe.) The more time I spend apart from them, the less I want to spend time with them. And I suspect the kinda shocking piece of news Steph semi-threw at me has something to do with it. But aiyah. Whatever.

That said, Mark and I were very amused when Dr. Hiramoto showed a video of vocal cords during EL1101E. Everyone else was super grossed out (yeah girls were screaming away), but we just went like "Eh this looks familiar! Mrs. Tay showed this to us during rehearsal!" hahahahahah.

Oh look, I just killed 45 minutes of my lunchtime. Yay.
Can kind of tell that I'm just trying to hide behind my laptop the way other people hide behind shades right. Hurhur. I miss having the same classes with Fadz/Larry/JC. One common module is really not enough.

And PEARL! If Little Miss MIA shows up, make her post her schedule on the thread!

Hmm I should try to read a bit more of the textbook. Sigh.

[63]

What an eventful first week of school.

Day 1 was crazy, with four lectures back-to-back. AND befriending after the school day ended.
I had no classes on days 2 and 3, but was in school for CCA and other stuff, and I managed to regress to my bad habit of skipping lunch.
Day 4 (i.e. today) was unproductive 'cause I slept through at least half of my lectures. Many thanks to the headache + sore throat + fever. On top of that I collected a textbook that's heavier than my 2.93 kg laptop, and lugged both of those items around.

Other events include tripping on the stairs TWICE on the first day of school (NUS is far too hilly for my liking), killing the showerhead, getting screwed over by various people (yet again, I don't know why I keep ending up in this kind of planning shit), and just doing a lot of stupid things unrelated to studying.

Okay I know I'm being unreasonable. Hopefully next week will be better.

That said, credit goes to Pearl for listening to all my nonsense and cheering me up, and also to Fadz for being to discuss certain (ahem) stuff with. Love you girls!

[62]

Since the last post, I've been busy doing a lot of rubbish.

We planned and filmed the OG video, in which I skipped around a la Gabriella Montez/Vanessa Hudgens a lot. (Thankfully we were all skipping together, so it's not that bad. Hahah.) The unfortunate thing was that "We're All in This Together" was stuck in my head for at least four days after that.

Rehearsals have started again, yay. We're back to our usual singing-ending-taking an hour to decide where to eat routine.

Pearl, Germ, and I had a Transformers party. The board game was... interesting 'cause it was more funny than fun. Megatron kept falling down. The movie was fun to watch, though it was kinda draggy in the beginning, and the emo-music, slow-mo, drama-drama climax of the movie was a bit over-the-top. At least Optimus Prime and Josh Duhamel were hot.

After watching it, I realized that hot is hot no matter which role the guy is cast in. Not the lead? Never mind. You can still catch people's eyes by your face alone. (Yeah, don't even need the body.) Hahah.

We baked muffins and cookies during befriending. The muffins were okay, but some of the cookies tasted like a mixture of sweet, salty, and bitter. Very strange. (I think it had something to do with us forgetting to add in the brown sugar, and adding it only after the dough was more or less done.)

I... will not talk about the matriculation fair. It was CCA day all over again, and it reminded me of how we used to badger people to "just put your name down, no obligations!". Hahah.

This year's NDP is going to be totally awesome! Hahah yeah, I got to watch the preview. It's really different from other years' NDP. You'll just have to watch it for yourself to see how it is. All I can say is that it's so multimedia. So many things are going on at the same time that one doesn't know where to look.

It's a rehearsal, so there was quite a bit of "looking at other people to see what the next action is" among the performers, but I'm sure it'll be great by the time August 9 comes around.

Whee two days to SOW. Let's see how much tanner I can get. Hahahah.

[61]

I haven't laid an eye on this blog for ages. Gosh. (Gone are the days when I wanted to blog five times in twenty-four hours.)

Anyway. I am officially sick of my holidays. I want to go back to school.
It got so bad that I actually semi-wished I was back in the science library studying for exams. (Though I think the glaring sun contributed some. I miss the library aircon.)
The CORS website didn't help; it's still majorly depressing, even if it did give me hope of doing EL1101E next sem.

Coordinating modules is a headache, and so is coordinating people. If getting eight persons to come together equals a headache, I can't imagine what getting twenty-eight persons to come together will be like.
We shall see in a week's time. (Whee, SOW!)

On a brighter note, I was watching Supernatural. It does amazing things to my mood hahahah.

Watching old episodes brings back memories of hiding behind cushions/notes/whatever was on my hands, and I can only say that it's not very smart to watch it at night. Especially for gutless people like me.

No props for me this time round; I got through it without hiding, thanks to my amusement at Jared Padalecki's old floppy hairdo (which I didn't like, and still don't).

Next on the go-figure list: why scary scenes without Dean/Sam are boring, and scary scenes with Dean/Sam aren't scary.

[60]

The girls and I went out to watch I Love You Man. It's kinda strange to watch a bromance comedy with girls, but whatever, it's good for an afternoon of mindlessness. Definitely beats our usual sitting-eating-rotting routine.

It wasn't a particularly memorable movie, nor a particularly stunning one. The whole thing felt very draggy and some bits of the plot were just too good to be true. (E.g. the forgiveness routine. Soooo expected.)

I think I only know how to appreciate comedy flicks starring cute guys. Shallow huh.

Not to say it was an entirely useless movie. It did get me thinking about "why". (Dang, this reminds me, I had a discussion about this a few days ago.)

Life still feels a bit off lately, so "why" comes in handy as a tool for... reflection.

Sometimes it's just very hard to talk to people about certain things.