How much are friends worth?
I always believe that we shouldn't attach a monetary value to things, because there's just no way one can measure joy, or friendship, or passion in dollars and cents. (Yeah, I disagree with how in economics, we fix an arbitrary value for the benefit a certain action brings us. Why, WHY must the benefit of say, eating a durian puff, be $3.22?! It doesn't make sense, does it.)
Friendship's about giving and taking, and not being calculative about whether you're giving or taking.
It's just that sometimes I do stuff and then end up wondering, 'What am I doing all these for?' (I'm becoming one of those annoying econs students who sprouts econs principles at every turn, but bear with me for once. Those principles just happen to prove my point, hahah.)
You know how the principle of opportunity cost goes: if we choose this action, then we forgo the chance to do something else. I go for outings, participate in all these activities, go for lunch, meet up with people, organize this, arrange that, and when push comes to shove, what do others make of it? Or rather, what do I make of it?
It does feel like I'm wasting time, time that could have been spent on my books and on catching up on my studies. Not that I'm one of those antisocial mugger types; I just want to get the year off to a good start.
Honestly, why do I go for OG outings? Why do I bother to
try to coordinate Mugspot? Why did I show up every single day during SOW, and for every OG lunch/outing whenever I could?
Why do I go back to school every so often for alumni rehearsals?
Why did I offer to organize a class outing?
Why am I still continuing my piano lessons?
Why do I tutor my cousin in Secondary 2 English at a rate of $8.33 per hour?
Why do I try as much as possible to go home if I have nothing on, so that I can help out a bit with chores and stuff?
WHAT do I do all these for?
I can easily not do all these, and just focus on my own stuff.
It's really alright if we don't share the same interests, but there's no need to bash me down for doing the stuff I like.
I've even given up trying to bring together the different aspects of my life. Like, I do ask people if they want to go for whatever performance, but I've stopped hoping that people will actually turn up. After a while, all the "We'll see"-s and "I don't know"-s get a bit old.
I always,
always ask way in advance, as soon as I know the exact details. But people just we'll-see me and then plan for something on that day.
Disappointing, yes. The disappointment decreases over time but never goes away entirely.
I think in my ten years of being a chorister, I can only remember three supportive non-choir friends. Seriously. THREE.
You see why keeping my various groups of friends separate is inevitable?
Don't criticize me for not giving a damn about certain kinds of people, because you don't know what happened to make me think this way.
Don't blame me for being distant, because you may not have had the same experiences of being let down.
Don't expect me to tell you everything about my life, because I know that you'll judge, and you'll disagree, and disapprove.
Sometimes I don't like how compartmentalized my life is. All these different faces I present to different people are just... well, parts of me. It's not faking, per se. Lying by omission isn't really lying anyway.
All of that boils down to self-protection, I suppose.
